Is It Rude, Is It Mean, or Is It Bullying?

When I was older, my family had a little dog named Tiger. He was a seven-pound Yorkie. And every time the mailman pushed letters through the door, Tiger went wild. He'd grab the mail and tear it to shreds like there was a wolf living in our house.

At the same time, a friend of mine named Matt trained protection dogs. He had a pit bull named Ace. A huge, powerful dog. And every time I saw Ace, he was completely relaxed. You could drop something loud right next to him and he'd just glance over and look away.

Tiger barked because he was scared. He knew he couldn't really defend himself, so he had to act tough. Ace didn't need to prove anything. He was calm because he was confident.

I tell this story in my book, Built to Lead, because it explains so much about bullying. The loud kid who's always trying to prove how tough he is? That's Tiger. That kid is usually scared. The calm, confident kid who doesn't need to put anyone down? That's Ace.

Understanding that helps. But it doesn't make bullying okay. So let's talk about how to recognize it, and what to do.

What Is the Difference Between Rude, Mean, and Bullying?

Not every unkind moment is bullying. That doesn't make the other moments okay, but knowing the difference helps you respond the right way. Author Trudy Ludwig, who writes children's books about bullying, offers a simple way to tell them apart:

• Rude: accidentally saying or doing something that hurts someone. Cutting in line without thinking. Burping at the table. Bragging about a grade.
• Mean: purposely saying or doing something to hurt someone, once or maybe twice. "You're so stupid." "Your shoes are ugly."
• Bullying: intentionally aggressive behavior that is repeated over time and involves an imbalance of power.

StopBullying.gov describes bullying in a similar way: unwanted, aggressive behavior that involves a real or perceived imbalance of power and is repeated, or likely to be repeated. That power can come from physical size, popularity, or access to embarrassing information.

Rude calls for a gentle reminder about manners. Mean calls for a real conversation and consequences. Bullying calls for adults to step in, every time.

What Are the Types of Bullying?

• Verbal: name-calling, teasing, threats, insults.
• Social: leaving someone out on purpose, spreading rumors, embarrassing someone in public, turning friends against them.
• Physical: hitting, pushing, tripping, taking or breaking belongings.
• Cyber: hurtful messages, posts, photos, or group chats online.

Cyberbullying deserves special attention. Other kinds of bullying usually stay at school. Online bullying can follow a child home and into their bedroom at night. Know what apps your child uses, and keep the conversation about their online life open and ongoing.

Signs Your Child May Be Bullied

Kids don't always tell us. They may feel embarrassed, worry about making it worse, or believe they should handle it alone. Watch for changes like:

• Not wanting to go to school or an activity they used to enjoy
• Lost or damaged belongings, or unexplained bruises
• Changes in sleep or appetite
• Pulling away from friends, or suddenly having fewer of them
• Seeming anxious, sad, or upset after being online
• Coming home unusually hungry, which can mean lunch is being taken

If your child ever talks about hurting themselves, or you're worried they might, reach out for professional help right away. Contact your pediatrician or a licensed mental health professional, and in the U.S. you can call or text 988 at any time. You don't have to wait to be sure.

What to Do if You Think Your Child Is Being Bullied

1. Stay calm and listen. Let your child tell the whole story without interrupting. Your calm tells them it's safe to keep talking.
2. Believe them and take it seriously. Never brush it off with "kids will be kids." Even if it turns out to be mean rather than bullying, it still hurt.
3. Thank them for telling you. Telling takes courage. Say so.
4. Write down what happened. Dates, names, what was said or done, screenshots of anything online.
5. Work with the school or program. Share the facts calmly with teachers, counselors, or coaches and ask what their plan is.
6. Build your child's confidence. Help them practice calm, confident responses and identify trusted adults they can go to. Confidence won't stop every bully, but it helps kids ask for help and stand tall.

Zero Tolerance for Bullying at ZENTAI

At ZENTAI Martial Arts, we are a leadership development academy that uses martial arts as the vehicle. Respect is one of the Five Core Values of the ZENTAI Warrior. And in Built to Lead, I write that if respect is recognizing the value in every person, then the opposite of respect is bullying. We have zero tolerance for it.

That applies to everyone. Student to student. And instructor to student. Some people hide bullying behind words like "discipline" and "toughness." There's a big difference between pushing someone to grow and tearing them down because you can. We have had to dismiss students, even black belts, because of bullying behavior. No rank is worth more than the safety and dignity of the people in our school.

Our kids classes follow the ZENTAI SKILLZ child development curriculum, and our instructors coach both character and technique, so kids grow as people and as martial artists. In the ZENTAI SKILLZ program, respect begins and ends every class. Kids learn to carry themselves with confidence, speak up, and look out for others. We want every child to become an Ace: calm, confident, and kind.

This is more than a martial arts school. It's a village. At our 4 New Jersey locations in Belleville, Clifton, Hackensack, and North Arlington, and our location in the Dominican Republic, every child deserves to feel safe, seen, and respected.

Keep Learning With ZENTAI

• Conflict Resolution for Kids: Teaching Children to Solve Problems, Not Win Fights
• Does Martial Arts Make Kids Violent? The Art of Peace
• Should I Worry? How to Tell Teen Moodiness From Something More
• Extreme Skillz

Want More? Read Built to Lead

In my book, Built to Lead: Develop Character, Master Influence, and Find Your Purpose, I share the full story of Tiger and Ace and why respect is the foundation of everything we teach. It's written for parents to read with their preteens and teens.

Get Built to Lead on Amazon. All net proceeds support Heart of ZENTAI, our nonprofit bringing free martial arts and leadership training to children in the Dominican Republic.

A Place Where Respect Comes First

We work with kids ages 3 and up, teens, and adults. Visit us in Belleville, Clifton, Hackensack, or North Arlington, NJ.

Book your child's first class at zentai.us or call (201) 431-5425. Every child deserves to feel safe.

We Rise By Lifting Others.