Does Martial Arts Make Kids Violent? The Art of Peace

It was a snowy day in the Bronx. I was in elementary school, riding the bus home with my friend Gabriel.

When we got off, a group of older kids jumped him and pushed his face into the snow. Not the clean white snow. The dirty brown kind.

So we chased them. There were seven or eight of them and two of us. Gabriel grabbed a stick. I grabbed a brick.

The biggest kid, a guy we called Big George, stepped toward me. And I did the only thing I knew how to do. I threw the brick.

It hit him right in the lip. Blood on the snow. Everyone froze. I stood there trying to look tough. Inside, I was shaking.

That wasn't a one-time thing. I fought multiple times a week, as I share in my book, Built to Lead. Not because I was tough. Because I didn't know how not to.

So my parents enrolled me in martial arts. And that's where I learned the lesson that changed my life.

Does Martial Arts Make Kids More Aggressive?

It's a fair worry. You're signing your child up to learn kicks and strikes. It seems logical that they'd use them more.

But that's not what I experienced, and it's not what I've seen in my years of teaching.

When I walked into my first dojo, I thought they'd teach me to fight better. Instead, my instructor, Master Tony Morales, sat us down and started talking about character. About discipline. About restraint. About why avoiding the fight was more important than winning it.

I was confused. I came here to learn how to fight. Why are you talking about avoiding fights?

It took me a while to understand. The fights didn't stop because I got better at fighting. They stopped because I became calm and confident. I knew what I was capable of, so I didn't need to prove it.

Tiger and Ace: Why Scared Kids Fight More

Years later, my family had a little dog named Tiger. A seven-pound Yorkie. Every time the mail came through the door, Tiger went wild, tearing it up like there was a wolf living in our house.

My friend Matt trained protection dogs. He had a pit bull named Ace. Big. Powerful. Trained. And every time I saw Ace, he was completely relaxed. Loud noise? He'd glance over and look away.

Tiger barked because he was afraid. Ace stayed calm because he knew he could handle himself.

Kids are the same. The loud kid who's always picking fights is usually Tiger. Scared, and trying to look tough. The confident kid who doesn't need to prove anything is Ace.

Good martial arts training turns Tigers into Aces.

What Kids Actually Learn in a Good Martial Arts Class

• Self-control. Kids practice stopping on command, controlling their power near a partner, and waiting their turn.
• Respect. Every class begins and ends with a bow. Students learn to honor their instructors, their partners, and themselves.
• Calm under pressure. Testing for a belt or working with a partner gives kids safe practice managing nerves and frustration.
• Confidence. Kids who feel capable don't need to prove themselves through aggression.
• Conflict skills. Using words, walking away, and getting help from an adult come first. Physical self-defense is the last resort.

In Built to Lead, I put it this way: fighting because you don't know how is desperation. Fighting because you know how is a choice. And the person who chooses not to fight has already won.

The Black Belt Is the Best at Not Fighting

Years after that snowy day, I was managing a team of about two hundred engineers in New York City. I walked into an elevator, and I said hello to the man who stepped in.

He exploded. "Don't say hi to me. Don't talk to me." His hands were flying inches from my face.

The old me, the kid with the brick, would have been fighting in seconds. But I was completely calm. No adrenaline spike. I tried to talk with him and understand what was wrong. A few moments later, the doors opened, and he walked out.

That's what training gave me. Not the urge to hurt someone. The peace of not being afraid.

People think a black belt is the best fighter in the room. It's not. A black belt is the best at not fighting.

How to Tell if a School Teaches Peace or Aggression

1. Listen to how instructors talk. Do they talk about character, respect, and self-control, or mostly about toughness and winning?
2. Watch how instructors treat kids. Respectful coaching builds respectful kids. Yelling and belittling do the opposite.
3. Ask how they handle bullying. A good school has zero tolerance, including for instructors who hide bullying behind "toughness."
4. Ask what they teach about conflict. Walking away, using words, and getting help should come before any physical response.
5. Watch the older students. Are they helping younger kids, or showing off?

How ZENTAI Teaches the Art of Peace

At ZENTAI Martial Arts, we are a leadership development academy that uses martial arts as the vehicle. We're not a fighting school. Our kids classes follow the ZENTAI SKILLZ child development curriculum, with age-specific classes from Early Skillz (ages 3 to 4) through Extreme Skillz (10 to 14), Teens, and Adults.

Our instructors coach both character and technique, so kids grow as people and as martial artists. Every class is grounded in our Five Core Values: Gratitude, Integrity, Respect, Responsibility, and Growth. And respect is the first thing a student receives when they walk in and the last thing they carry out the door.

At our schools in Belleville, Clifton, Hackensack, and North Arlington, we're raising Aces. Calm, confident kids who can protect themselves and choose peace. This is more than a martial arts school. It's a village, and our ZENTAI family stands for strength with self-control.

Keep Learning With ZENTAI

• Is It Rude, Is It Mean, or Is It Bullying?
• Conflict Resolution for Kids: Teaching Children to Solve Problems, Not Win Fights
• Turning Big Emotions Into Teachable Moments
• Extreme Skillz

Want More? Read Built to Lead

In my book, Built to Lead: Develop Character, Master Influence, and Find Your Purpose, I share the full brick story, Tiger and Ace, and the elevator, and why martial arts teaches kids why not to fight. It's written for parents to read with their preteens and teens.

Get Built to Lead on Amazon. All net proceeds support Heart of ZENTAI, our nonprofit bringing free martial arts and leadership training to children in the Dominican Republic.

Raise a Calm, Confident Kid

ZENTAI serves kids 3 and up, teens, and adults at our locations in Belleville, Clifton, Hackensack, and North Arlington, NJ. Adults can learn self-defense and self-control in our adult classes too.

Book your child's first class at zentai.us or call (201) 431-5425.

We Rise By Lifting Others.