The Power of Yet: Why the Way You Praise Your Child Shapes Their Future

Picture your child running through the door after school. "I got an A on my test!"

You light up. "That's amazing! You're so smart!"

Then they add, "It was easy. I didn't even study. I was the first one done."

And with the best intentions in the world, most of us double down. "You didn't even study? Wow. You're even smarter than I thought."

Sounds like good parenting, right? But in my book, Built to Lead, I explain what's actually being programmed in that moment. I call it a mental equation:

Easy result + no effort = smart = people are proud of me.

Now fast forward a few years. That same child hits a subject that doesn't come easy. They study every day for two weeks. They're the last one done with the test. And they get a C.

What does the equation tell them now? If easy means smart, then hard must mean I'm not. That's the moment talented kids quit.

What Is the Power of Yet?

Psychologist Carol Dweck spent her career studying how people think about their own abilities. In her book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, she describes two very different patterns.

• A fixed mindset believes talent and intelligence are set. You either have it or you don't. Kids with this view tend to avoid risks and take failure personally.
• A growth mindset believes abilities can be developed through effort, good strategies, and help from others. Kids with this view keep working when things get hard.

Dweck also helped popularize a simple tool for moving from one to the other: the power of yet.

"I don't understand fractions." That's a wall.

"I don't understand fractions yet." That's a door.

One word. It doesn't deny that something is hard. It just refuses to accept that hard means forever.

Should I Stop Telling My Child They're Smart?

You don't have to ban the word. But pay attention to what you celebrate most.

Here's what I do with my own kids. When my son or daughter tells me they got an A, the first thing I ask is, "Did you have to work really hard for it?"

If the answer is no, I don't make them feel bad. I just say, "Okay, that's good. But that means it was too easy. Let's find something that really challenges you."

But when they tell me they got a B, and they worked on it every day for two weeks, studied on the weekends, and really pushed to understand it? That's when we celebrate. That's when we go out for ice cream.

I'm not praising the grade. I'm praising the dedication, the discipline, and the willingness to stick with something hard. Those are the qualities that carry a person through life.

How to Build the Power of Yet at Home

1. Finish the sentence. When your child says "I can't," gently add "yet." Over time, they'll start adding it themselves.
2. Praise the process. Try "You kept going even when it was frustrating" or "I love how you tried a different way." Name the effort, the strategy, and the persistence.
3. Ask about the hard part. At dinner, swap "How was school?" for "What was hard today?" Make struggle a normal thing to talk about.
4. Share your own yets. Tell your child about something you're learning and not good at yet. Let them see you practice it.
5. Stretch the easy wins. If something comes too easily, help your child find the next challenge instead of settling there.

The Power of Yet on the Mat

Martial arts is built on the power of yet. Every belt begins with something your child can't do yet, and ends with something they can.

At ZENTAI Martial Arts, we are a leadership development academy that uses martial arts as the vehicle. At our 4 New Jersey locations in Belleville, Clifton, Hackensack, and North Arlington, and our location in the Dominican Republic, classes follow the ZENTAI SKILLZ child development curriculum, which is designed around what kids can realistically master at each age, from Early Skillz for 3 and 4 year olds all the way to our Teens and Adults programs.

Inside the ZENTAI SKILLZ program, our instructors trained in child development reinforce effort and perseverance, not just results. Kids earn stripes as they attend class and successfully complete technical requirements, and every stripe is a small piece of proof: I couldn't do this before, and now I can. Our instructors coach both character and technique, so kids grow as people and as martial artists.

And because growth is one of the Five Core Values of the ZENTAI Warrior, you'll hear the same phrase at every one of our schools: never stop growing. Our ZENTAI family lives by it, from the youngest white belt to our instructors. This is more than a martial arts school. It's a village.

Yet Works for Grown-Ups, Too

Years ago in the Dominican Republic, Naomy and I met two young black belts who were teaching kids for free, with no school and no equipment. I offered both of them a full salary to teach full time.

The first said yes before I finished the sentence. Today he runs a thriving program.

The second said no three times. "It's not possible to earn money teaching martial arts in this country." Years later, he's still teaching outdoors for free, still convinced it can't be done.

Same offer. Different beliefs. Completely different lives.

That's what a fixed belief does. It turns "not yet" into "never." And the best way to protect your child from that is to model the opposite. Let them hear you say it about your own goals: "I haven't figured it out yet. But I will."

Keep Learning With ZENTAI

• Growth Mindset Activities for Kids: How Martial Arts Teaches the Power of Yet
• Healthy Competition for Kids: Teaching Your Child to Win, Lose, and Keep Growing
• Goal Setting for Kids: How Stripes, Belts, and Belief Build Achievers
• Basic Skillz

Want More? Read Built to Lead

In my book, Built to Lead: Develop Character, Master Influence, and Find Your Purpose, I break down mental equations, praising effort, and how limiting beliefs shape a life. It's written for parents to read with their preteens and teens.

Get Built to Lead on Amazon. All net proceeds support Heart of ZENTAI, our nonprofit bringing free martial arts and leadership training to children in the Dominican Republic.

Come Train at ZENTAI

We work with kids ages 3 and up, teens, and adults. Visit us in Belleville, Clifton, Hackensack, or North Arlington, NJ, and see the power of yet in action.

Book your child's first class at zentai.us or call (201) 431-5425. Adult classes are available too.

We Rise By Lifting Others.