Parenting With Nurturing: How to Build Your Child's Self-Esteem

Years ago, we had a seven-pound Yorkie named Tiger.

Every time the mail came through the door, Tiger lost his mind. He'd grab the envelopes and shred them like a wild animal. You'd think a wolf lived in our house.

Around the same time, a friend of mine trained protection dogs. He had a pit bull named Ace. Huge, powerful, highly trained.

And Ace was the calmest dog you've ever seen. Loud noise? He'd glance over and look away. Nothing to prove.

I tell this story in my book, Built to Lead, because it explains so much about kids. Tiger was loud because he was scared. Ace was calm because he was confident.

The kid who is always showing off, picking on others, or needing to prove himself? That's Tiger. That kid often has low self-esteem, not high. The truly confident kid doesn't need to be the loudest in the room. He just knows who he is.

So when we talk about building a child's self-esteem, we're not trying to raise a Tiger. We're raising an Ace.

What Does Low Self-Esteem Look Like in Kids?

Low self-esteem doesn't always look like a quiet, sad child. It can show up in many ways:

• Giving up quickly or refusing to try new things
• Saying things like "I'm dumb" or "I'm bad at everything"
• Getting very upset over small mistakes
• Bragging, bossing others around, or picking on younger kids
• Needing constant reassurance from adults

If your child's low self-esteem comes with ongoing sadness, withdrawal from friends, or big changes in sleep or eating, please talk with your pediatrician or a licensed professional. For most kids, though, self-esteem grows through the everyday way we treat them at home.

Why Doesn't Praise Alone Build Self-Esteem?

Many parents try to fix low self-esteem by telling their child how amazing they are, all day long. It comes from love. But it doesn't usually work.

Kids can tell the difference between being flattered and being valued. Real self-esteem isn't built on compliments. It's built on two things: feeling accepted, even when you mess up, and having proof, earned with your own effort, that you can do hard things.

That's why nurturing, one of the eight Parent SKILLZ, matters so much. Its core lesson is to separate the behavior from the child.

6 Ways to Build Your Child's Self-Esteem

1. Describe the choice, not the child. Instead of "You're so bad," say "That was a poor choice" or "That wasn't a wise decision." Your child learns that their actions don't define who they are.
2. Offer a way to repair. After a mistake, give positive options: "How can you make it right with your sister?" Repairing damage builds responsibility and self-respect at the same time.
3. Praise effort, not talent. "You worked so hard on that" builds a child who believes in their own effort. "You're a natural" builds a child who's afraid to struggle.
4. Let them earn real wins. Give age-appropriate responsibilities and challenges, then step back. Confidence is a pile of evidence your child builds themselves.
5. Speak well of them when they can hear you. The words kids overhear about themselves often land the deepest.
6. Teach them "I am becoming." In Built to Lead, I encourage readers to shift from "I am" to "I am becoming." "I am becoming someone who doesn't quit." It honors where they are while pointing to where they're headed.

Words That Build, Words That Break

Instead of: "Why are you always so clumsy?" Try: "Oops, that spilled. Let's grab a towel together."

Instead of: "You're a bad listener." Try: "That wasn't good listening. Let's try again."

Instead of: "You're so smart." Try: "You really stuck with that. I'm proud of your effort."

How Well Do You Separate the Behavior From the Child?

Rate yourself honestly:

• Level 1: I find it hard. I often label my child when I'm upset.
• Level 2: I try, but I forget in the heat of the moment.
• Level 3: I usually do it, but sometimes I respond too fast.
• Level 4: I separate the behavior from the child when it matters most.
• Level 5: It's second nature. My child knows they're loved even when I'm correcting them.

Does Martial Arts Help Build Self-Esteem?

A well-run martial arts program can be a great place for kids to build real, earned confidence. At ZENTAI Martial Arts, a leadership development academy that uses martial arts as the vehicle, that's exactly what we focus on.

At our 4 New Jersey locations in Belleville, Clifton, Hackensack, and North Arlington, and our location in the Dominican Republic, kids train through the ZENTAI SKILLZ child development curriculum. They earn stripes as they attend class and successfully complete technical requirements, so every stripe is proof that effort pays off. Our instructors trained in child development coach both character and technique, so kids grow as people and as martial artists.

And because every class begins and ends with respect, kids learn that they're valued no matter what belt they wear. We have zero tolerance for bullying. We're building Aces, not Tigers.

This is more than a martial arts school. It's a village. Our ZENTAI family believes in your child, and we'll help them believe in themselves. For all eight skills, start with our Parent SKILLZ guide.

Keep Learning With ZENTAI

• What Are Parent SKILLZ? The 8 Skills That Make Home the Real Dojo
• Nurturing: Change the Behavior, Not the Child
• Parenting the Shy Child: Your Child Isn't Shy. They're Smart.
• Extreme Skillz

Want More? Read Built to Lead

In my book, Built to Lead: Develop Character, Master Influence, and Find Your Purpose, I tell the full story of Tiger and Ace, and how I went from one to the other on the mat. It's written for parents to read with their preteens and teens.

Get Built to Lead on Amazon. All net proceeds support Heart of ZENTAI, our nonprofit bringing free martial arts and leadership training to children in the Dominican Republic.

Help Your Child Build Real Confidence

We work with kids ages 3 and up, teens, and adults. Visit us in Belleville, Clifton, Hackensack, or North Arlington, NJ.

Book your child's first class at zentai.us or call (201) 431-5425. Adult classes are available too.

We Rise By Lifting Others.