Monkey See, Monkey Do: How Kids Learn by Watching (and Why You're Their First Role Model)

It happens more often than you'd think.

A parent brings their child to a first class and pulls me aside. "He can never sit still. He doesn't pay attention. He doesn't listen."

And this is the child's very first time ever walking into our school.

Then class starts. And that same parent sits down on the bench and scrolls through their phone for the entire session.

I'm not writing this to make anybody feel bad. I've been on my phone more than I should be too. I share this in my book, Built to Lead, because it shows something every one of us needs to hear:

Our kids aren't just listening to what we say. They're watching what we do.

How Do Kids Learn by Watching?

Long before your child can read, they're studying you. How you talk to the cashier. How you react when someone cuts you off in traffic. Whether you put your phone down when they're talking.

Psychologist Albert Bandura spent his career studying this. His social learning theory says that children learn a huge amount by observing others and then imitating them. It's not automatic, though. Bandura described a few steps along the way:

• Attention. The child has to notice the behavior.
• Memory. They have to remember what they saw.
• Reproduction. They have to be able to do it themselves.
• Motivation. They have to have a reason to do it.

That last one is big. Kids are more likely to copy a behavior when they see it get rewarded. If a child watches a classmate get a high five for trying hard, they learn that trying hard is worth it. Bandura called that vicarious reinforcement, learning from the results someone else gets.

What Are Mirror Neurons?

Scientists have discovered brain cells that fire both when we do something and when we watch someone else do it. They're often called mirror neurons.

When your daughter watches you stir the pancake batter, parts of her brain light up as if she's stirring it herself. It's like a rehearsal happening inside her head.

Researchers are still debating exactly how much mirror neurons explain in humans, so I don't want to oversell it. But the bottom line matches what every parent has seen with their own eyes: kids are wired to learn from the people around them.

That's why the phrase "Do as I say, not as I do" almost never works.

How Can I Be a Better Role Model for My Child?

1. Model the behavior you're asking for. Want a child who listens? Put your phone down and listen to them. Want a child who stays calm? Let them see you take a breath when you're frustrated.
2. Narrate your good choices. "I'm really mad right now, so I'm going to take a minute before I answer." Kids learn more when they can see the thinking behind the behavior.
3. Own your mistakes out loud. "I yelled, and that wasn't okay. I'm sorry." That teaches responsibility better than any lecture.
4. Let them watch you learn. Try something new and be bad at it in front of them. Show them what effort looks like.
5. Choose their other role models carefully. Coaches, teachers, older kids, even the people on their screens. Who is your child watching most?
6. Catch and celebrate good behavior in others. "Did you see how that boy helped his sister up? That was so kind."

How ZENTAI Uses Role Models to Help Kids Learn

When I was a kid, I was getting into fights all the time. My parents enrolled me in martial arts, and my instructor, Master Tony Morales, changed my life. Not just through what he taught, but through his example. I watched how he carried himself, and I wanted to be like that.

That's what we try to give every child at ZENTAI Martial Arts. We're a leadership development academy that uses martial arts as the vehicle. At our 4 New Jersey locations in Belleville, Clifton, Hackensack, and North Arlington, and our location in the Dominican Republic, every class follows the ZENTAI SKILLZ child development curriculum.

• Classes grouped by age, with different ranks together. In the ZENTAI SKILLZ program, within each age group, newer students train alongside more advanced ones. A white belt gets to watch a higher belt do the same kick with more skill, and their brain starts rehearsing it.
• High-energy instructors who model what they teach. Our instructors coach both character and technique, so kids grow as people and as martial artists. They show respect, patience, and effort, not just talk about them.
• Positive reinforcement kids can see. High fives, stripes, and new belts are earned in front of classmates. When one child gets recognized for effort, everyone watching learns what effort looks like.
• Leadership Academy. Our Leadership Academy is ZENTAI's student leadership program, where student leaders learn while supporting classes, giving other kids role models to look up to.

And we invite parents into the process through Parent SKILLZ, because the most important role model in your child's life isn't on the mat. It's you. This is more than a martial arts school. It's a village. And in a village, every adult is being watched by some child.

So next time you're sitting on the bench, put the phone away and watch your child train. Cheer. Make eye contact when they look over at you. They'll notice. And they'll learn more from that than from anything you could say.

Keep Learning With ZENTAI

• Healthy Kids Start With Us: Role Modeling Habits That Last
• Near-Peer Mentoring: How Kids Become Leaders by Lifting Others
• The Teaching Team: How Parental Involvement Helps Your Child Succeed
• The Adults Who Change Everything: How Great Coaches Build Real Connection With Kids

Want More? Read Built to Lead

In my book, Built to Lead: Develop Character, Master Influence, and Find Your Purpose, I share how Master Tony Morales's example changed the direction of my life, plus more on the mental equations we pass to our kids. It's written for parents to read with their preteens and teens.

Get Built to Lead on Amazon. All net proceeds support Heart of ZENTAI, our nonprofit bringing free martial arts and leadership training to children in the Dominican Republic.

Give Your Child Great Role Models

We work with kids ages 3 and up, teens, and adults. Train together and be the role model on the mat too. Visit ZENTAI Martial Arts in Belleville, Clifton, Hackensack, or North Arlington, NJ.

Book your child's first class at zentai.us or call (201) 431-5425.

We Rise By Lifting Others.